Signed, Venus: Unpaid Stalking
Description: Signed, Venus is a mystery road trip audio drama podcast about the journey of partners Hayden and Kameron, who seek to uncover the identity of the anonymous writer behind the travel serial “Signed, Venus.” With the combined powers of charisma, a driver’s license, and special interest-fuelled passion, the pair follows The Writer to several of the locations discussed in their journals. However, the further they go, the clearer it becomes that the stories The Writer documented are not all as they appear.
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Transcript
VOICE: This show is called Signed, Venus. You know that. I know that. Let’s get to it.
[Theme music plays.]
[ Hayden sits down in a chair by an almost ridiculously ornate vanity. We hear the muted sound of the beach from behind the window.]
HAYDEN: Right, remember the mic this time.
[Hayden picks up their voice recorder and turn it on with a beep. We hear Hayden tap the microphone, and begin pacing.]
HAYDEN: [official-sounding voice] “Hello, Coast Venus! My name is Hayden, and although prior to this my blog has had a total of seven readers, five of whom were my friends, it’s my pleasure to announce that the mystery we’ve all been keeping tabs on for the last ten years is about to be
unraveled by none other than yours tru- er. Soon-to-be yours truly! Um, and Kameron. Yes, that’s right, we’re looking for the anonymous author behind Signed, Venus. The person, the myth, the Coast Venus legend themselves – drumroll, please, where’s Kameron when you need him? – The Writer!”
HAYDEN: Note to self: always double-check that you’ve capitalized the T and W in The Writer so people know that is literally what we call them.
HAYDEN: [official-sounding voice] “To start this off with a bang, I have managed to identify and track down the slightly-less-enigmatic illustrator of Signed, Venus to their home here on Coast Venus’s beach. Please do not try this at home, though, readers, for in most cases, it is rude to blatantly disregard the privacy and boundaries of others. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but rest assured: by the time you’ve finished reading this post, you will be completely convinced that I, Hayden, am the best and most worthy person for the job!”
[Hayden sits and claps excitedly.]
HAYDEN: That’s perfect, Hayden, no more flailing on post day because I forgot all my ideas. Only excited flailing from now on! Oh, I really hope I remember to turn the mic on when I meet The Writer because I can never remember anything when I’m excited, and-
[They gasp.]
HAYDEN: This is really happening, isn’t it, I’m going to meet The Writer, and hear their voice, and – and – focus, Hayden! The post! Oh, but I can’t not – listen, Microphone, I know you’ve heard this a thousand times, but I’m autistic and explaining it brings me joy and you probably can’t feel annoyed anyway, but if you can then I apologize and please bear with me: The Writer is probably the most important person in Conclaire – the only one to actually travel the rest of the country beyond Coast Venus since the capital city changed to Urbina. Not only is The Writer now travelling to Conclaire’s other towns, they’ve actually sent journal entries about their travels back to Coast Venus for everyone to read. The person who publishes the journals is also an artist, The Artist, actually, and they add these gorgeous illustrations to each entry, and, god, I’m meeting them today, aren’t I?
[They take a deep breath.]
HAYDEN: I’d better stop before I ramble on forever and forget Kameron on the beach.
[He clears his throat.]
HAYDEN: Right, back on topic. Um… of course, yes, I need to explain about how The Writer is definitely welcoming this. Signed, Venus, issue 44, final paragraph. Cue, past Hayden.
[Hayden presses another button with a beep. We hear a past recording of him speaking.]
HAYDEN: [goofy Writer voice] “… with my hammering heart and a tank full of gas ready to head into what will likely be the last chapter of Signed, Venus, I want to thank those loyal readers who’ve kept up with my journey over the years. And, if my vain hope I’ve nurtured all this time ever comes true, that someday these journals will inspire one of you to set out from Coast Venus and explore Conclaire yourself, I’d like to ask that you not come after me or try to identify me.”
[We hear a beep as Hayden shuts the recording off.]
HAYDEN: Now, of course, people who haven’t read Signed, Venus will probably think this is a… strange?… counterintuitive? way to interpret that line, but… for those who have spent years studying The Writer’s work like I have – or, no, I can’t say it like that, I sound like a fanatic.
[Beat.]
HAYDEN: Of course, I am one, but I don’t want to seem like a stalker. Actually, isn’t journalism just paid stalking, really? Not that I’m being paid. Or that I’m stalking. Or a journalist.
[Beat.]
HAYDEN: … Anyway, it’s obviously meant to be an invitation. I mean… why not? Ten years is an awfully long time to stay a mystery, and if The Writer ever comes back to Coast Venus, they’ll definitely be found out sooner or later. This way, at least, it’s an interesting end to their story. In all my admiration for Signed, Venus, I’d be loathe to deny them that.
[They clap their hands together.]
HAYDEN: And so! That is why myself and Kameron, my partner in crime, who has agreed to put up with my antics and listen to hours of my info dumping because he loves me, have made a plan. A plan to – oh, right! Kameron! I told him to meet me – argh, two minutes ago.
[Beat.]
HAYDEN: Well, I’m sure he won’t mind. It’s like… extra time with the ocean. But I should get going, I don’t want to put off meeting The Artist any longer. Especially not when this is my chance to dazzle them with my brilliance. When I reveal I’ve decoded that “I’d like to ask that you not come after me or try to identify me,” actually means “Please do come after me and try
to identify me, pretty please,” they’ll be so blown away they’ll just tell me where to find The Writer. Obviously, I won’t tell the readers I’m expecting that, though. That’ll probably make it seem like I’m way too optimistic for this job. I’m pretty sure it’ll work, though.
[There’s another beep as Hayden turns off the recorder.]
[We hear a loud, crashing wave of water against the shore, along with seagulls, people talking and shouting, and hand smacking beach balls.]
KAMERON: [sighs] If Hayden doesn’t show up in the next two minutes, I’m getting in the water.
[Beat.]
KAMERON: 120… 119… 118… 117…
[From a distance, we hear-]
HAYDEN: Kameron, hey!
[Hayden runs over, panting.]
HAYDEN: Sorry for being late and giving you more time with the water.
KAMERON: Hayden, it feels exactly like if I was dying of thirst in the desert, and had to just sit there and watch while everybody else is drinking up at the oasis.
HAYDEN: Oh no, here – [pulls out a water bottle] – I brought a water bottle.
KAMERON: I’m not forreal thirsty, I just meant I wanna surf.
HAYDEN: Ohhh… oops.
KAMERON: That’s cute that you were trying to be nice, though. Thank you.
HAYDEN: You shouldn’t say things like that, it goes straight to my head.
KAMERON: As long as it’s stuff like “You’re cute” and not “You’re good at making impulse decisions,” that’s fine. Speaking of, where’d you say The Artist lives again?
HAYDEN: It wasn’t impulse, Kameron, I’ve been planning this since I was twelve, and I had the decency to wait for an explicit invitation.
KAMERON: Mhm, and a bus.
HAYDEN: That’s besides the point, but yes, your bus helps. And also your driver’s license, because I don’t know how to drive. Which, by the way, please don’t think that’s the only reason I
asked you to come. I-
KAMERON: [sing-song] You asked me to come because you’d miss me if I didn’t.
HAYDEN: Exactly, I’m glad you understand.
[Beat.]
HAYDEN: Which isn’t to say that I won’t miss all my other friends, but – all right, you know what I mean.
KAMERON: [laughs] Yeah, yeah, I do.
HAYDEN: The Artist lives really close to the beach, believe it or not, but their house is on the opposite side from where ours are.
KAMERON: Wait, they’ve been a fifteen- minute walk from your house this entire time?
HAYDEN: Everyone in Coast Venus is a fifteen-minute walk from my house. I know what you mean, though, imagine how shocked I was.
KAMERON: I still can’t believe you’ve never had to worry about traffic. That’s non-Californian privilege if I ever heard of it.
HAYDEN: It’s busier near the hotels, I think?
KAMERON: No, no, it’s okay. I did say I moved here to try something different. So, what’s the plan?
HAYDEN: First, I’m going to wow The Artist with the fact I actually managed to find them. Then, I’m going to grip them emotionally with how much I love Signed, Venus. And finally, I’ll pull out my ace in the hole and explain how I figured out what The Writer actually meant. With the power of charm, charisma, and cleverness combined, I’ll persuade them to tell us
exactly where The Writer is and how we can find them.
KAMERON: And… you’re sure that’ll actually work?
HAYDEN: Of course it will. It’s a code, everyone likes people who break their codes. It’s like that escape room we went to. You figure out the password, you get to leave the room.
KAMERON: Uhhhh, the way I remember that, it was more like, you figure out one password, and there’s ten more new passwords you have to solve, and the only reason we managed to make it out with three seconds to spare was because Quinn was there.
HAYDEN: Yes, well, I already asked Quinn, and she said she can’t come, and besides, like I said, it’s going to work!
[We’ve made it to The Artist’s house. We still hear the waves, some distant voices, and the occasional seagull. Hayden rings the doorbell.]
HAYDEN: Gosh, I really hope they’re home.
KAMERON: They don’t know we’re coming!?
HAYDEN: Think about it, Kameron. If I called in advance and they told me not to come, how would it look when I showed up anyway?
KAMERON: Why would you show up anyway?
HAYDEN: I’m on a mission! Besides, this is what I was telling you on the beach, the part where I wow them with how I actually managed to find them!
KAMERON: This is awful, you really should’ve –
[The door opens.]
MIRAH: … Surprise visitors?
[Beat.]
MIRAH: Unless… you’re selling something.
[Hayden sucks in a sharp breath.]
HAYDEN: Visitors, actually! Hi, I’m Hayden, and this is Kameron.
KAMERON: Hey.
HAYDEN: And you’re Mirah! Illustrator and publisher of my favourite work, Signed, Venus. Known more popularly and enigmatically as The Artist.
MIRAH: Well, hello, Hayden and Kameron. It’s nice to meet you, though it might’ve been polite to call first. After all, what would you do if I didn’t happen to be home?
HAYDEN: Well, you’d have to come home eventually, right?
KAMERON: You’re really killing me, Hayden.
MIRAH: Please, come in.
[They follow Mirah into the house. We can hear their footsteps.]
MIRAH: So, what brought you to come looking for me?
HAYDEN: Well, you see…
[Mirah leads them to sit down on the couches.]
HAYDEN: Signed, Venus has been a huge- actually, that’s a severe understatement, but a ginormous part of my life for so many years. And, perhaps because we don’t know so much about them, except of course what we can gather from the series, the most interesting part
of it to me has always been The Writer. I’ve spent a fairly decent chunk of my life trying to find hints of them in their writing, and now that the series is drawing to a close soon, I’m hoping to
actually find them.
You’re the only one who knows The Writer personally, and it was plenty challenging to find you. I thought that would be good practice for – uhh, no. Practice sounds rude, pretend I didn’t say that – but, anyway, I thought you would be the best person to help put me on the right track.
MIRAH: Hm. That could be true. Maybe I am the best person to help you out. But, the way I’m kind of seeing things, it sort of seems like you showed up at my house, the address of which I’ve worked really hard to keep secret, without warning me first, and now it looks like you’re sitting on my couch and asking me to help you without even a word of apology.
KAMERON: We are so sorry, we definitely should have called in advance, and if you don’t wanna help us we completely understand. [quietly, to Hayden] See, I told you…
[Beat.]
KAMERON: But, this really means a lot to Hayden, and so, even though we really should’ve called first, could you please hear them out?
HAYDEN: [quietly] Nice one Kameron, smooth transition into phase two. [to Mirah] I’m really sorry, Mirah. I can’t tell you how much love and respect I have for you and your work. Your illustrations mean so much to me – actually, I have posters of them on my wall – and I really never meant to make you uncomfortable.
MIRAH: [laughs] Fine, I think I can find it in me to forgive you. Maybe.
HAYDEN: Aaaa… thank you.
KAMERON: [quietly, to Hayden] That was good luck.
HAYDEN: [to Kameron] Talent.
[Hayden shifts in his seat.]
HAYDEN: For so many years… since I was eleven years old, really, I’ve waited eagerly between each release for a new issue of Signed, Venus. There’s a lot of good authors in Coast Venus, but more than any of the rest, The Writer was someone I could connect to. They’ve been my inspiration – every time I sit down to write, they’re on my mind, and I remember their words so clearly. This entire trip is basically an homage to their – and your – story. I’ll be publishing blog posts about it to the Internet as a sort of travelog of their travelog. This is my first major endeavour in the creative world, and it is directly because of Signed, Venus.
If for no other reason, I want to meet The Writer so I can thank them, because I wouldn’t have
figured out a vision for my writing if it weren’t for what you and they have created.
MIRAH: Hayden… I’m honoured that Signed, Venus means so much to you. Truly, I’m touched. Thank you for telling me.
HAYDEN: Then –
MIRAH: But I still don’t see why I should tell you how to find The Writer.
[Hayden takes a deep breath.]
HAYDEN: At the very end of the latest issue of Signed, Venus, The Writer said, [Writer voice] “If my vain hope I’ve nurtured all this time ever comes true, that someday these journals will inspire one of you to set out from Coast Venus and explore Conclaire yourself, I’d like to ask that you not come after me or try to identify me.” [normal voice] And… why would they bother pointing that out now if they really didn’t want people to look for them?
Especially because in issue 31, in their conversation with River, they explicitly said that they use reverse psychology in matters like this, and – [laughs] – Well, I probably don’t need to get into all of that. But, anyway, since The Writer has been hoping for this that entire time, I thought that now that an invitation has been spelt out, it would make sense to go and look for them.
MIRAH: That’s an interesting analysis, and not implausible. I like you.
HAYDEN: [giggles] I like you too.
MIRAH: So, what else?
HAYDEN: What else?
MIRAH: You still haven’t told me why I should help you.
HAYDEN: What?
KAMERON: Uh-oh.
MIRAH: That is, it’s possible that that is what The Writer meant, yes, but even if I did know why they chose to include that sentence, it isn’t a secret password.
HAYDEN: I… that is. I just. I just thought that, if I explained that, um. Um.
KAMERON: You might be willing to have a look at the route Hayden’s planned and give them some feedback.
HAYDEN: Y- yeah, I definitely didn’t expect you to just tell me where they are. [laughs awkwardly]
MIRAH: Wow, you have a whole route planned? I’d love to see it.
KAMERON: Yeah, Hayden’s been getting ready for this for a looooong time. Here’s the map.
[We hear paper rustle as he passes Mirah the map.]
MIRAH: I’m very impressed.
HAYDEN: Yeah, it… [laughs] I put a lot of thought into it. My cork board is just… absolutely covered in notes about what the best places to go would be and such.
[Beat.]
MIRAH: Oh?
HAYDEN: Hm?
MIRAH: I notice that your first destination is Arabella, but between your other destinations,
from Sayre to Quidel to Mulani to Urbina, there is a path that curves north away from Coast
Venus. Arabella is toward the south, and not on your way.
HAYDEN: It’s the first destination The Writer went to… it’s sacred. I can’t miss out on Arabella. And besides, we’re not just going to places The Writer’s been, we’re also meeting people they talked about. One of the most important people we have to meet is in Arabella.
MIRAH: Hm. Well, I’m afraid I can’t give you any help with your route, but I truly wish you the best of luck.
HAYDEN: Oh.
KAMERON: Ah…
MIRAH: I’m sorry. I just don’t want to do something that could potentially go against The Writer’s wishes. I hope you can understand.
HAYDEN: I do understand. Um. Um… Um! Actually, though, if you don’t mind… could I just ask you for one last thing?
Thank you for listening to Signed, Venus. Signed, Venus was created and written by Serena Rahhal and Reese Patterson. This episode featured the voices of Rin as Hayden, Michael McKitt as Kameron, Serena Rahhal as Mirah, and Tesneem Rahhal for the opening. Music and audio editing by Reese Patterson and Serena Rahhal. Script editing by Alex Lynn.
If you’re looking for ways to support the production of Signed, Venus Part II, you can donate to our fundraiser at http://ko-fi.com/signedvenus. That’s k o hyphen f i dot com slash signedvenus, all one word. Thank you so much, your support means the world to us. To stay up-to-date with the latest Signed, Venus news, follow us at signedvenus on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and Tumblr. You can also sign up for e-mail updates, learn more about the show, access episode and trailer transcripts, and find fun stuff like quizzes and playlists on our website at http://signedvenus.com.
Finally, if you’re looking for a good cause to support, we want to shout out the Navajo Reservation Relief Project. The Navajo Reservation Relief Project is a fundraiser for the provision of food, supplies, and essentials in care packages to families within the Navajo Reservation who don’t have access to resources necessary for surviving the coronavirus pandemic. The Navajo Nation has reported more confirmed cases of COVID-19 per capita than almost every U.S. state, and this support is extremely urgent. You can donate at http://gofundme.com/f/navajorelief – that’s n a v a j o r e l i e f, all one word. Your support would mean a lot to us.
Thanks for riding with us, and we’ll see you on the road.
